Walls

There are little walls.  There are big walls.  And then there are monster walls.  I don’t like any of them, but they all need to be scaled or torn down on a regular basis.

If you are a runner or know about running, you have probably heard of people hitting the wall in a marathon.  There are some physiological science studies behind the wall and how your body responds to running out of glycogen or fuel.  And that is important to know when running very long distances.  What I am more concerned with is the mental aspect of hitting the wall.

LITTLE WALLS.  I hate the little walls the most.  They can happen on a 3 mile run or a 5 mile run or multiple times during a 10 mile run.  They may start out with some physical symptom, but they quickly start triggering all the wrong parts in your brain.

The weather is perfect, things are great and you head off down the driveway.  After about half a mile, your heart rate is up a little and you are breathing somewhat heavy.  It is really no big frickin’ deal.  But just that small change in your physical condition can fire off a million negative thoughts.  This is a “x” mile run and I am breathing heavy already?  I think I feel a twinge in my lower leg, maybe I should quit.  Would it really hurt to miss one of my key workouts this week?  Did I put the half gallon of Blue Bell ice cream back in the freezer?  Is this real life?

Most of us who have run for a while have learned to ignore the “first mile” doubts.  It happens almost every time we run, and it is just part of the discpline it takes to run long distances.  But when they happen at 3 miles into a 8 or 10 mile run, the negative thoughts often win.  My 10 mile run yesterday was like that.  I really wanted to change it to a 3 or 4 mile run instead of the required 10.  But I didn’t solely because I am hard headed and refused to yield to the little wall.

BIG WALLS.  These are the marathon walls.  These are the long run walls.  The ones where you have been running for 2 to 3 hours and are just ready to be done.  Physically you are feeling the miles by then.  Even if you are an elite runner, after 3 hours your body knows it has been running.  And that is just more fuel for your mind to abuse you with.

You’ve already run for 3 hours, that is a great workout!  Think about how impressed someone who has never run will be.  Nobody would say anything negative if you quit now.  I can’t do quick math, but that must put you at 700 miles this week!  YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

I call the man who stands on my shoulder screaming these things at me The Little Bastard.  The problem is that he always makes great points.  When you are tired and worn down, it his hard to argue with him.  But you have to.  If he wins, you lose.  And I don’t like letting any little bastard kick my ass.

MONSTER WALLS.  This is going to be difficult to talk about because I hate thinking about it.  These walls are the ones that you don’t know if you can tear down or climb over.  The 30, 40, or 50 mile training runs.  The Ironman triathlon.  The 100 mile race.  These are the walls where there is just a good of a chance of you failing as there is of you succeeding.  These are the walls that keep you up at night……give you chills on a 95 degree day……cause you to stare at yourself in the mirror asking “What were you thinking?”  These are the walls that really matter.

Even as short as a week ago, I was questioning everything I am doing or have done to prepare myself for this race.  I have less than 3 months to go, but it seems like both an eternity and tomorrow simultaneously.  I am happy that is 3 months from now and scared to death that is 3 months from now.  This monster wall has my number more times than not.

I know how I feel after running 20 miles but I will have to do 80 more after that.  I know what it feels like to have a really bad run but can’t imagine the disaster if it occurs on race day.  I know how miserable it is to run in the cold, windy rain but I have no clue how I will survive 30 straight hours of it.  I have no frickin’ idea how I will do it!

What I do know is what if feels like to have both legs cramped to oblivion and still press on.  I do know what it feels like to be bored out of my mind while running and find a reason to laugh at myself.  I do know what it feels like to have every reason in the world to stop and then I lower my shoulder and take on the wall.

I know the sound and feel of my body hitting the wall.

I also know the sound and feel of the wall YIELDING TO MY WILL.

When talking to my friends who are considering pacing me for the last 40 miles, I tell them I have no idea what shape I will be in at that point.  Running……walking……crawling.  I don’t know what mode of transportation will be working.  I do know that if they keep me pointed in the right direction,  I will lower my shoulder and see what gives:  me or the wall.

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